Out of the Office

He died.

How could he do that to us? To me?

We were diagnosed about the same time, give or take a day or two, the week before Christmas 2012.  I received the news I had breast cancer.  He received the news he had lymphoma.

And off we went on our separate paths - me to surgery, surgery, surgery (yes three of them).  He was off to chemo and radiation.

And next I hear, he is back to work!!  I was so happy for him.  Meanwhile I undergo my chemo and radiation.

So mid-July 2013 - we're both finished and in the office.  We share stories, we smile, we laugh.  Yet all the while we both know, and without saying it out loud, we both know that we feel this same thought: if we got 'it' once, will it return?  No guarantees were given that we would not.   We were bit once, we could be bitten again.  No, we never said this out loud.  What you say can come to fruition you know.  Our words have SO MUCH power.

I continued to receive positive reports.

He asked me how I got through this?  He then pointed at my cross around my neck, and he said I guess you have your faith.  I said most definitely I do believe I am healed and restored.  He stammered, I suppose looking for words, to let me know that he just never developed 'faith'; but 'my kids have'.  I told him that is wonderful.

I received even more positive news.

He did not.

He continued to come into the office, he continued to share.  My sixth sense, my female intuition, I don't know what to call it.  I somehow knew his cancer had returned.  And sure enough he announced it to us, that he would be undergoing a radical treatment, including stem cell surgery, once his body was rid of some nagging enemy that caused his blood to just never be 'right'.  And he said he potentially would be out of the office for six months.

He sat two TWO cubicles away from me.

As he shared his news, I prayed.  The day came when he was to go into the hospital and he wished me well, wished me happy holidays (this was before Thanksgiving).  That sixth sense feeling returned; I prayed.  I honestly felt that he was feeling he would not be healed.  Just something in the way he looked, his eyes were empty except for a glimpse of pain or sadness or both.

The radical treatments never came, his body just never cooperated.

He's out of the office.

He died.

So Thankful, So Grateful

"So thankful to be in the land of the living

So grateful to be in the land of the living"

these words were in my head when I awoke this morning, actually the past two days.  And of course I realized these are lyrics from a song by Yolanda Adams!!

So I am playing that right now!!  You should check it out.

God - keep on doing what you do, because I know that This Too Shall Pass (also a song by Yolanda Adams)  

Excuse me while I sing, give praise and cry tears of joy!!

Get Well

This morning I found myself awaking with this thought running through my mind 'Why am I getting all of these get well cards? I'm not sick!'  Like yesterday there was a legal size envelope in the mailbox and it was full of get well cards from co-workers!!  And the past few weeks I've received dozens of 'feel better soon' cards and then my thoughts were 'I'm fine, just had a couple surgeries (that in itself is ludicrous, but I'm wandering off topic) and I'll be just as good as new when these incisions heal up.'

Boy am I wrong!!  I have breast cancer.  That cancer spread into 8 lymph nodes; a total of 16 lymph nodes were removed.  Hello!!  I learned we only have 40-60 lymph nodes in our bodies.  And they DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT 'reproduce'.  And we need them.

I begin chemo treatments in two weeks; it will be four weeks since the last surgery, the maximum time the oncologist must wait before the start of chemo.  And he wants us to begin right away.  So we will begin.

Two weeks from today will be the start of my becoming hairless - all over.

Down Deep In My Soul

OK, so it's been several months since my last publish.  I allowed my self (and I intended that to be two separate words) to be kidnapped and compromised.  I don't see the need to go into the details of why, mainly because I am somewhat embarrassed.  But at least I am acknowledging I know why and I look at it as I 'grew up some more'.  And a blog fan pointed out today that I needed to get back to writing.  She knows who she is - and so here I am.  And I thank you for speaking out loud what I have been saying to myself for weeks now, but just not feeling motivated.

Previously I had blogged about the necessity to make sure we examine ourselves, in particular to pay attention to our bodies and the changes that can occur.  And back in the summer a cyst in my right breast was revealed.  The thought of surgery terrified me, and my husband too I do believe.  I decided to not pursue surgery at that time, even though my doctor felt that would be best.

Perhaps my thoughts were that it would go away - I do believe in miracles!  But it did not, and this past Monday I underwent surgery.  It was completed very quickly - in at 7:30, leaving at 10.  It's been a couple days since I felt my right side strong enough to work on the computer, and even now it is not up to its full strength.  But I wanted to write today, it was very important to write TODAY.

I am awaiting the biopsy results regarding that pesky cyst.  And part of me was saying to wait until I know before I write.  Instead I decided to go ahead and speak.  You see, regardless of what the results are I still want to write.  And perhaps most importantly, I will still need to write.

My dear husband was able to take some time off work to be here with me.  This is an experience never in a million years would I have thought I would be living.  This event happening to me more than ever   tells me that this is exactly how my life is supposed to be at this point in time.  I say this because regardless of meeting my husband I was going to have this cyst.  The 'icing', the 'gravy' is that MY husband is my caregiver.  I've been single over 25 years. I am loved dammit!!  Thank you Lord.

Down deep in my soul I will forever believe more than ever that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now and I am with who I am supposed to be with right now.  Down deep is telling me that something very big and special just for me is getting ready to be revealed.  Down deep is telling me to just rest and wait.  Down deep is telling me to enjoy the love and care I am receiving from my husband, my friends, my family.

Ease

I was so 'gung ho' and very excited about becoming a blogger.  You see, I so much believe that I am destined to write a novel, although I have not even begun one yet, so blogging regularly would be a breeze, no problem.  After coming out 'guns blazin' and publishing three posts, I hit a wall!!  I felt I wanted to write, but when I would sit down, all thoughts vanished.  My younger sister, who I refer to as my 'blog coach' shared with me how she established her blog but did not actually publish any posts until almost two years later.  (Matter of fact you might enjoy her blog spot !!  I enjoy it immensely.  Here's the link:
http://wwwnardog.blogspot.com/)  She said to just ease into the writing and to not feel pressured into thinking that I had to regularly publish.   Those words put me at ease and helped me realize that great novels took years sometimes to write, so that applies to blogs as well I'm sure.

This is my fourth year being back in Northeast Ohio for the Autumn season.  The weather changing to cooler nights and mornings actually are welcome after the gosh-awful 90 degree days, consecutive days, we endured during the summer.  But the foliage changing - we were not allowed to ease into that Autumn change.  Trees with red and yellow leaves and trees with NO leaves seemed to greet me seemingly overnight.  I was not mentally ready for what appeared to happen all of a sudden.  I was not allowed to ease into this seasonal change.  So I found myself a little depressed? Caught off guard? Just not mentally ready.  Why you ask am I making such a big deal over this?  Well because Autumn also causes me to reflect back on the year, especially the Spring and Summer AND the promises I made to myself and the lists I made of those things I was 'definitely going to do the spring and summer of 2012'.  And alas, here I am with the naked and nearly naked trees and the realization I did none of the things on that list. 

The Lord willing, I will have next year's spring and summer.  Until then, during the upcoming winter months I'll just ease on down the road (tip of the hat to the movie 'The Wiz' featuring the late Michael Jackson and Diana Ross http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078504/ ).

What is a friend?

I have the very good fortune of having several true sincere friends.  And mind you, I know what I am talking about when I say true and sincere.  I consider myself to be true and sincere so why not want that in return?

One true sincere friend of mine I met in kindergarten!  And you know my current age - so yes, our friendship has endured quite a number of years.  Our friendship remains steadfast.  Our friendship is true and sincere. Our friendship will last always I am certain.  She lives in Texas and one day in the mail I got a small box.  Inside she included three sunny yellow coffee mugs with a letter 'announcing' I was the 'winner'!!  You see each week she pulled a 'name' and that person would be the recipient of her weekly 'thoughtful giving'.  Something small, something unique, but sent with love.  And here is a picture of those bright sunny mugs.  Each time I use them I think of my dear friend.  And they always brighten up my mood and my frame of mind.

All of my friends have always been my cheerleaders.  I believe they believed in me more than I believed in me sometimes.  Their words of encouragement were heart-felt and sincere.  My happiness and success means so much to them.  They reliably offer support and congratulations.  This mug I found on a clearance shelf in Dollar General for 60 cents!!  I found it right before I was offerred a job after being out of work for almost a year.

Needless to say I am convinced it was a sign, at least that is what I told myself then, back in 2009, and to this day I still believe it was a message signaling all of the good things that were to come. 


My friends help me stay grounded as well.  When the ego gets too big, they keep me in check.  And that is what I expect from a true and sincere friend. So on those days when I am feeling like the DIVA

I feel their taps on my shoulder and that brings me back down out of the clouds.

It is important to understand why friends are in our lives.  It's even more important to respect that friendship and to realize its value.  Needless to say it is imperative to realize how fortunate you are to have a true and sincere friend.  Sometimes just one is more than enough.

I am thankful for all of my friends, and I give thanks to God for placing them in my life.

Explore

my younger sister has been blogging for a few years now.  And she is happy to see her older sis taking up this therapeutic hobby!  She turned me on to a couple sites that provide topics to write on when those writers' block moments occur.

well this week one of those sites has the word 'EXPLORE' and my mind raced.  I went from my childhood when as a teeny-bit tomboy, me and my older sis, along with our brothers, would explore the neighborhood, even the undeveloped lots that looked wild and unkempt.

as we got older, my sister and I would walk to visit relatives, and oftentimes we would use different walking routes, exploring new streets and neighborhoods.  This was back in the day when walking was so en vogue!

and as I got older, exploring various paths in life of course occurred; these explorations included living in different cities and meeting all sorts of people. 

about three years ago, or maybe two, I'm not sure, I discovered a hard 'spot' in my right breast.  I chalked it up to menopause of course, nothing serious.  And then I decided to ignore it since I self-diagnosed that "nothing is wrong, no need to take it serious".  Well during my visit for a check-up about 4 months ago now, my doctor explored my breasts and insisted I have a mammogram, which I did.  The results were benign, but the doctor wants to perform surgery.

EXPLORE your breasts and do not self-diagnose.  Make sure your favorite breasts feel awesomely perfect!!